M

TW: Mental Health, Addiction and Suicidal Ideation.

"What's my drug of choice? Well, what have you got? I don't go broke, and I do it a lot. I do it a lot!"
- Junkhead by Alice In Chains

Hi, my name is Uncle Tim, and I am an addict.

Greetings and salutations Fam-bam (thank you Ma'am!). Shit, hows the above for a blog intro? Am I right?

Your Uncle Tim celebrated a milestone 2 days ago, that being 1000 days sober.

It was a relatively quiet affair, just like when I hit 2 years last September as I guess I'm still a little skittish when it comes to the energy I put towards it. I told a very small group of people, accepted their praise, best wishes, kind words and support etc and that's it. I set it aside, maybe compartmentalised it a little (I dunno!), and just moved forward with my day and my life. I haven't celebrated it, in all honesty, I don't know how to. I'm also trying to allow myself to be proud of myself but that too is something that doesn't come naturally to me and would also require me to spend time thinking about it long enough that I put energy towards it and that circles back to my initial comment about being skittish about the energy I place on it.

Tough break hey.

I've previously spoken about being our own worst critics and yeah, this awkward feeling of not knowing how to act or behave towards this situation is somewhat attributed to that, but it also comes from a place of fear, guilt and shame.

So for those of you who don't know me too well or have missed the discussions on the old STF Discord, I have struggled with addiction for the better part of my life. Now being humans we love to categorise and label things so that we can understand their place and context in that little bubble of reality that we have created for ourselves, but in this sitch it's a little difficult as I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic or drug addict or sexaholic or any of the other titles floating about the place. I am an addict and for me, it's basically anything that I can get my hands on or do to help me disassociate and shut my fucking brain off and/or to help me handle my emotions. Over the years that has presented itself in many forms from booze, drugs, food, sex, exercise, risky behaviour, spirituality and more. When it comes to substances alone there isn't much that I haven't tried and for me, the word moderation exists in my vocabulary only. There's a saying I heard a lot growing up and that's "Go hard or go home!" and that is how I live a lot of my life and is certainly how I've approached anything and everything related to my addiction.

Now for those of you sitting there reading this and starting to glaze over a little while thinking "Oh great, here comes the fucking sermon!" never fear, you won't get that from me. To each their own and at their own pace! My struggles are my struggles and I would never sit there and dictate to people unless their life or other people's lives are at risk from it and even then I can not force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. 

For me, sobriety is a necessity. Christ I would honestly love to be able to casually imbibe ANYTHING but I just can't and believe me I have tried! I can't go to a pub and have just one drink. I can't have just one joint or cone. I can't have just one line or pill. I can barely fucking stop myself from eating sweet things or gorging myself at meals etc.
When I start something this switch flicks in me and this greedy all-consuming being comes out and just has to keep going and going and going until there is nothing left (woe be unto me if that happens!) or I'm the last one standing and, more times in the past than I can count, both!

I first got drunk when I was about 10ish (I think), I remember my family and I used to occasionally go out to dinner at a restaurant chain we had here in Australia called Sizzlers and whenever we did they would let me have a wine cooler. This time they let me have a 2nd drink and I was off my tits. I remember being hung over later and I remember the parents thinking it was hilarious.

I started drinking semi-regularly from about 14 years old and started doing drugs at 15. Drugs started with pot and has gone to many different places over the years but the one consistency is my appetite for it all.

Now Australia has a bit of a reputation as a binge-drinking culture and sadly this is quite true and believe me I was no exception to this, but while I was doing copious amounts of drugs I at least generally wasn't drinking at the same time. Regular drinking for me is generally something that kicked in when I was trying to get off drugs as I always tried going cold turkey and needed to take the edge off, this changed when I was in my 30s and I was with a partner who would enable and feed my addictions as basically our entire relationship was built on and revolved around getting fucked up. Now I'm not one to sit there and point the finger at someone and blame them for my problems but if you're not getting the support you need from someone and they go out of their way to prop up your destructive behaviours then they are also part of the problem.

I tried so many times to quit everything and get my shit together but it was always this never-ending see-saw between drugs and alcohol with food, sex and everything else thrown into the mix. My weight yo-yoed, my self-esteem was non-existent, my relationships suffered and my mental health deteriorated. I think I have hit rock bottom multiple times, I have quit everything multiple times and detoxed so many times I have lost count and it was always a horrific physical, mental and emotional experience but I kept going back to it as I knew nothing else. My addiction was my coping mechanism, my security, my safety, the thing I knew would protect me from me.

In case you haven't worked it out, I'm the sort of person who thinks a lot. Like A LOT a lot, and that is almost equal parts blessing and curse really, and add in a lack of coping mechanisms and being a high-level empath and it's a bit of a recipe for disaster really. I was very well aware of what I was doing to myself but I just couldn't stop!
By the time I was finally able to stop, I was in a constant state of exhaustion, depression, burnout, not sober, recovering/hung-over and I was looking for any excuse to end my suffering and everyone else's suffering at having to deal with me (or so I thought at the time). At this point, we had been in various stages of lockdown due to Covid-19 for about 7-8 months, I was stuck at home where I live alone, I was so depressed and as I couldn't get any drugs of any type from anyone at that point I was drinking myself to oblivion almost every night and doing my daily routine of abusing myself for it and making myself feel incredibly guilty over it and then repeating it all. I knew something had to change or I was really going to go down the point of no return that I had been thinking of (and planning) daily and it was going to destroy people who cared about me.

I don't know what exactly it was that finally helped me stop, I'm sure it was a combination of things, but somehow on the 11th of September 2020 I put the bottle down, I shut myself away from drugs (and the people I knew who did them) and I haven't been back since. 

I'm not going to lie and say that the last 1002 days have been a breeze as that is so far from the truth. It has been fucking hard and not because I'm constantly bombarded with cravings, far from it. Since mid-March 2021 each day I have lived has been the longest I've been sober since I was 14 years old. I turned 42 this year.

For the last 1002 days, I have been re-learning how to live. That might sound silly I know, but when so much time has been spent in various stages of fucked up there really is a lot I don't know about myself and I have been learning to build and deploy coping mechanisms to varying degrees to help me deal with the world, the people in it and most importantly of all, myself. I have also fully acknowledged the role that my poor mental health has played in my cycles of addiction and how it still contributes to how I act and view the world today and I am working on it and getting help where I can.

So where am I at now? I'm doing ok.
I can be around alcohol for long periods of time and be totally cool and it's easy for me to say "No". Drugs? I don't know. I'm too scared to put that to the test as it is a very slippery slope for me, so I have just stayed away from people and situations that might put me in a bad position. I may get there one day but for now, I just can't risk it.
For everything else? Fuck man, it's a battle and I am striving for balance where I can but yeah, one day at a time right?!

I'm not quite sure how to end this blog but I'm feeling I need to wrap it up now. The above is part of my story, it is not intended as a lecture on how you should live your life but you could take it as a warning if you like. Do I have regrets? Yes, so many of them! Would I change anything? That's hard to say as my battles are part of what makes me me and if I hadn't lived them then I may very well be a completely different person now so all I can do is try to accept my past, my faults and my choices with the grace that I deserve as a human being, and move forward. I also need to learn how to celebrate my wins!

Here's to me for hitting a milestone and continuing my journey to many more!

Take care and talk soon xx 🦘🐨

Note: I spoke about some pretty heavy shit above (and believe me I kept it as light as I could!) and if what I have written has impacted/triggered you in any way then please ensure you take some time out for yourself and potentially engage some local or professional support if you need it. There are so many resources available at a local, national and global level that even the amount of info available can be overwhelming. Try speaking to a loved one and a Doctor and they can help guide you to whatever support you need xx

Alice In Chains - Junkhead