Our harshest critics

Ahoy-hoy! Uncle Tim here.

Last weekend I had the pleasure of joining our friends Ryan, Ashley and Heather for episode 2 (Electric Boogaloo!) of the Family Style Podcast. I had a great time! Sometimes nothing beats just sitting around with your mates and shooting the shit and having a laugh and boy did we talk some shit (especially me. I always talk a lot of shit!)

I left the catch-up session feeling very light and happy, also pretty hungry as it was about 3pm for me by that point and I hadn't had lunch yet. Mainly, I began anticipating the release of the episode and was looking forward to checking it out and really looking forward to the FS family,  as well as other friends and family of mine, watching/listening to it. 

Monday the 9th of January soon comes swanning around and apart from being your dear ol'Uncle Tim's birthday (wink wink nudge nudge), the audio and the video went out for the episode. Hooray!

Now I was a tad preoccupied that day relaxing and being pampered by a small woman with very strong hands* and being spoilt by a good friend so I was a little too knackered by the end of the day to get to it but the next day, after struggling my way through my first day back at work for the year, I sat down and popped the video on YouTube on my TV and got comfortable and prepared myself for the ensuing hilarity that was to come.

I hated it.

Well OK, that is a touch dramatic and not entirely true. I did not hate the episode. I hated ME in the episode!

Ryan was his usual smooth-talking charming self, Ashley was beaming and had a lovely calm energy about her, Heather was her usual awkward self (JUST KIDDING HEATHER!) and she was laughing, commenting and pulling faces throughout it while being completely at ease but me? Fuck me dead I was a train wreck!

• My video kept blurring
• My audio sounded shit, like I was talking through a tin can
• My lighting was terrible
• My face was blotchy
• I looked like a fat cunt
• There was an aggressive noise reduction filter on my mic and there were plenty of times you missed what I was saying or it took until like the 5th or 6th word before my voice became loud enough to be heard
• I sounded cocky
• I talked too much and didn't let Ashley and Heather talk enough
• I couldn't stop fidgeting
• LEAVE YOUR FUCKING HAIR ALONE TIM!
• I kept hijacking the conversation and talking about other shit
• I was trying too hard to be funny and was failing

And the list goes on....

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Why yes Uncle Tim, you are a fat cunt but at least you're a funny fat cunt!" and I, and my self-esteem, do sincerely mostly thank you for that from the bottom of my heart, but sitting there watching that with all of that noise going through my brain was a little rough, and while some of the funny moments cut through and made me chuckle, I was too busy fixating on myself and tearing myself down to enjoy it.

Talk about self-involved right?!

Looking back on this in hindsight I can see how totally harsh and entirely unfair I'm being on myself. I mean sure, some of it might be true and I'm sure those of you that know me are probably shaking your heads in disappointment/disgust and getting ready to send me messages of support and all the other lovely things you wonderful people do but that still doesn't change that initial reaction I had.

Even if anything on that above list is true, what really matters the most is how I saw and judged myself and that is sad.

In true Uncle Tim style, it got me thinking about how we really are our own harshest critics and at times, our own worst enemies. My brain took what was a great and wonderful and positive experience and flipped it on its head and turned it against me as I sat there and viewed myself through the lenses of my own perception.

I know I'm not alone in doing this, in fact, I hardly think I'm even remotely close to being the exception here. I think this is all too common a mindset for so many people out there and it absolutely fucking sucks!

Why do we do this?

Is it a result of our upbringing?

Is it some weird evolution thing?

Is it stupidly high expectations of ourselves?

Is it "society's" fault?

Is it the media?

Is it religion?

Is it past trauma?

Fuck knows! I think if I had the correct answer I would be a very wealthy man and not sitting here in a rental unit tapping away on the keyboard of a 7-year-old secondhand laptop.

There are so many little things that could have led up to that precise moment, a key part of which is my brain wiring and past experiences, but at the end of the day it was not the first time it's happened and I'm sure it won't be the last time either but what I can try to do next time it starts happening is to just stop, take a breath and a mental step backwards and ask myself what I'm doing to myself and why/what I'm hoping to achieve. Maybe that will help, maybe it won't but it's a good place to start and if you want to change behaviour then you need to start somewhere.

You know, I can lose all the excess weight and slim down, get all my muscles back, get a haircut and a barbershop beard trim, wear tailored fitting clothing, buy a good condenser mic, a good camera and lighting, totally control the layout of the surroundings I'm in etc but I can guarantee that I will still find some perceived fault to focus on. That is my way as I know it is for many others.

Sure there are plenty of people out there who are really confident and who appear to just not give a fuck about what anyone thinks but you know what, they're all tearing themselves down about something and more-than-likely it's something to do with themselves.

Try and be kind to yourself. You're way too hard on yourself!

Those nice kind words you were thinking about telling me when you were reading the above? Try saying them to yourself next time you start going down that overly critical dissection of yourself.

You are worth showing yourself the kindness you show others! It's not selfish! It's more than deserved!

Don't forget that there are plenty of people that love you for who and what you are and the only person who sees all that negative stuff magnified is you.

Stop being such a dick to yourself, you're all dead fucking sexy and everyone knows it!

Alright, I think I've talked myself into going back and giving episode 2 another go. Maybe I'll listen to the audio only first so that I can block out that extra sensory input and just enjoy the conversation but, then I will give the video another try and I will be kind and I will pay attention to everything rather than just me.

Big love and chat soon! xx  🦘🐨

Family Style Podcast: Episode 2 - Electric Boogaloo can be found on YouTube and Spotify and hopefully wherever you normally get your Podcasts (if not then let me know!)

*I got a nice massage and there was nothing naughty happening! Get your bloody mind out of the gutter you pervert! (Call me!)