Post-holiday season musings
Family
The concept of 'family' has been running through my mind quite a bit recently.
I think it's partially to do with the time of year it is and also it's to do with some of the issues (historical, current, resolved and unresolved etc) I have with my immediate family.
I think it's partially to do with the time of year it is and also it's to do with some of the issues (historical, current, resolved and unresolved etc) I have with my immediate family.
The end-of-year holiday season is not easy for people, there's a lot of stress that goes hand-in-hand with those religious, cultural and commercial holidays but I think the thing that causes people the most anguish at this time revolves around their relationships, or the lack thereof, with their families and that can become exacerbated when they are separated from them or, worse still, forced to spend time with people they don't like, let alone love.
You talk to anyone and they will all have some sort of story about a family member they can't stand or someone that they just can't seem to find any common ground with, be it racist old Nanna Mavis, weird Uncle Joe or stingy cousin Bob, whatever that situation is it absolutely sucks balls!
So what do we do about it? Especially if it is someone in your immediate family?
So what do we do about it? Especially if it is someone in your immediate family?
These sorts of questions are what have been playing on my mind recently and yes, I do know that they may be coloured somewhat by the recent "family-time" season, but being the logical and analytical person I am who spends way too much time in their head it's got me thinking, what exactly is family?
According to the Oxford Dictionary:
family
/ˈfam(ɪ)li/
noun
- 1.a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit."the family lived in a large house with a lot of land"
- 2.all the descendants of a common ancestor."the house has been owned by the same family for 300 years"
- 3.a group of related things."all manuscripts that share this reading constitute a family"
adjective
- designed to be suitable for children as well as adults."a family newspaper"
That's a pretty cold and clinical definition but it is effectively correct and in the context we're talking about today, I think we can safely ignore the biological, mathematical and criminal definitions (yes that includes you Ms Philly Gangsta Ashley!).
Based on what the dictionary says, a family is a group of people you're related to by blood or marriage or someone you are descended from. Yes, logically that is true but in reality, there's a whole lot of nuance missing from the picture.
Based on what the dictionary says, a family is a group of people you're related to by blood or marriage or someone you are descended from. Yes, logically that is true but in reality, there's a whole lot of nuance missing from the picture.
In my personal situation, I'm not married and I don't have any kids so all I have are my immediate family, being my parents and siblings, and then there is the extended family being uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and great-nieces and great-nephews (no I'm not that old!). All of them I try to love (to varying degrees in all honesty), but I don't like all of them and some of them I can barely tolerate for more than a few minutes before my anti-fuckwit mode is engaged and I either emotionally shutdown or my usual near infinite level of patience evaporates and every sound uttered from their lips makes me want to break shit.
All of them have their own lives, stories, quirks, hopes, dreams, baggage, levels of emotional maturity and trauma and they are all walled off in their own blinkered little realities. We have cross-overs in varying areas and to varying degrees around shared experiences, values, outlooks etc but one thing we all have in common is that we all suck at communicating with each other and getting too caught up in our own shit to the detriment of our relationships with each other.
All of them have their own lives, stories, quirks, hopes, dreams, baggage, levels of emotional maturity and trauma and they are all walled off in their own blinkered little realities. We have cross-overs in varying areas and to varying degrees around shared experiences, values, outlooks etc but one thing we all have in common is that we all suck at communicating with each other and getting too caught up in our own shit to the detriment of our relationships with each other.
Take my immediate family, I can go months without speaking to them, and in some previous cases years without seeing them, but thankfully I know that if I was really in the shit and needed help I could reach out to them and they would drop everything and come running. Or so I thought.
One big difference between my immediate family and I is that there is a level of coldness and distance they have that I don't. This is something I have struggled with in various ways for a lot of my life and I have learned various ways to cope with that and, unfortunately, even shown those learned behaviours myself at times, despite them not really being a part of me. This has had a profound effect on my relationships throughout my life and has more often-than-not led to me overcompensating in some way and seeking those missing bonds outside of my "family" unit either with partners and their family or through friends and their families in some cases.
One big difference between my immediate family and I is that there is a level of coldness and distance they have that I don't. This is something I have struggled with in various ways for a lot of my life and I have learned various ways to cope with that and, unfortunately, even shown those learned behaviours myself at times, despite them not really being a part of me. This has had a profound effect on my relationships throughout my life and has more often-than-not led to me overcompensating in some way and seeking those missing bonds outside of my "family" unit either with partners and their family or through friends and their families in some cases.
Now don't get me wrong, my family are far from perfect but I still love them and while we have our issues, I'm in a much better situation than a hell of a lot of people are out there so I'm not trying to be petulant or ungrateful, but that doesn't mean that I don't have my own pain here which is something I'm still trying to understand the depths of.
I know that there are people out there that can relate to what I'm talking about in my very roundabout and excessively wordy way. Just recently the topic has come up in conversation on the Family Style Discord and a few of us have recounted our own versions of what is a very similar story. I put it out there that I was struggling a little with this and my conflicting thoughts and emotions about it and was at a point where I was thinking about taking some reasonably serious steps and formally cutting ties with a few family members as I was no longer prepared to deal with their shit, and the level of empathy, camaraderie and straight up love I received from the community was nothing short of astounding. People told me their stories where they had been in similar situations and their own personal outcomes, people offered support and people also spoke about what they thought of as "family" and that just served to reinforce my thoughts and feelings around the concept of chosen family vs the traditional notion of family.
There's a saying that goes that you can choose your friends but not your family and I call bullshit on that. You can choose your family and I have spent a lot of my life doing just that, often subconsciously as I was searching for that bond, that connection, but choosing all the same as I wasn't getting what I needed from my blood family.
Members of my chosen family talked me down off the metaphorical ledge and stopped me from doing something that would have backfired spectacularly on me and probably would have served to alienate me further from other members of my blood family (geez doesn't that sound like a fuckin' religious cult or something?!!), just like other members of my chosen family have supported me in many other ways throughout my life that my blood family would just not be equipped to handle, not because they're bad people, just because they're different.
Members of my chosen family talked me down off the metaphorical ledge and stopped me from doing something that would have backfired spectacularly on me and probably would have served to alienate me further from other members of my blood family (geez doesn't that sound like a fuckin' religious cult or something?!!), just like other members of my chosen family have supported me in many other ways throughout my life that my blood family would just not be equipped to handle, not because they're bad people, just because they're different.
Anyhoo, it's currently the evening of the 5th of January 2023 in my part of the Land of Oz. I survived Christmas and New Year mentally and emotionally intact and for the first time in many years I entered the new year with a sense of hope and peace.
I hope wherever you are reading this in your part of the World that you had a great holiday period and new year with your family, in whatever form that may be!
I hope wherever you are reading this in your part of the World that you had a great holiday period and new year with your family, in whatever form that may be!
Big love and chat soon! x 🦘🐨
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