Relationships and all that messy stuff!

Sometimes I think Bender has it right!

Ahoy-hoy! Uncle Tim here!  👋

I hope everyone is well and hanging on as best you can during this shitshow of a time we call existence.

Yes, super cynical intro I know but fuck it, that's where my head and heart are at right now.

It's been a strange time for your Uncle Tim in The Land of Oz (AKA The Upside Down, AKA Fucken Straya, AKA the place that everyone knows doesn't really exist.....) since we last spoke. There's been work shit, family shit, social shit, political shit, health shit, mental shit, emotional shit, weather shit, friend shit, financial shit etc etc. It's been really fucking weird man!

What a time to be alive!

Weather and financial shit aside, one of the major constants throughout all the mess that has been going on are people, be they the cause of the issues, being impacted by them, helping to support me or others through it all, resolving the issues or just shutting right down so they don't/won't allow themselves to be impacted.... 

People......

Is it weird that Slipknot just started playing in my head?

Anyways..... where is this babbling rant going?
Ahhhh yes.......

So, I guess it's not exactly "people" as such that have been on my mind lately, but more the concept of relationships, and I don't mean like the romantic kind, but how people are with each other be they a couple, family, friends, strangers, colleagues, whatever! I'm talking about how one human being interacts with another and the mindset that goes along with it as it pertains to a particular situation...

Why has this been on my mind? Well, I think for me it's been the culmination of a few years of absolute national and global chaos and I have spent it all sitting back and observing (when I haven't been dragged into it myself) and I've done it completely clean and sober and doing my head in a little over it.

Of course, we've had the pandemic, countless natural disasters, war, a range of social problems, yet another global economic meltdown and the increasing politicisation of absolutely EVERYTHING where we're all essentially becoming radicalised over the smallest of issues and it's just fucking exhausting!

A few months ago in Australia, we had a Referendum where we were all asked to vote on a longstanding social issue regarding our First Nations people and this vote would be to change a small part of our constitution to recognise our fellow citizens and give them the same rights as the rest of us and what followed was one of the most toxic, shameful, embarrassing and dehumanising debates that I have ever seen in my lifetime. It was fully politicised and basically became a left vs right thing that was inflamed by the media as well as foreign interest groups. 

The Referendum failed and set the cause of Aboriginal rights back decades and basically re-traumatised an entire section of the community and I personally feel that it left a stain on the soul of this country. It also absolutely broke my heart and I've heard many stories of friends and family members falling out over the situation as the issue was so highly emotive for so many of us.

Relationships are such a powerful thing and they can be the cause of significant harm or absolutely amazingly positive change. Taking that mental step backward and looking at the various relationships I've had with all the people throughout my life through a slightly more objective lens, I can think of many times where relationships have lifted me up, guided me, supported me, broken me down, manipulated me, terrorised me, scarred me, comforted me, gratified me and destroyed me. That level of power is both breathtaking and terrifying!

Me talking about relationships is nothing new, it's come up in various forms a few times now, most notably in my 'Post-holiday season musings' post where I was talking about family and friends and interactions with people. It's something that tends to swing through my mind a bit, possibly because I spend quite a lot of time alone, because there has been significant upheaval in my life and relationships with many people over the last decade, and perhaps because we're also fast approaching that bloody time of year again where we're all supposed to be happy and loving and shit...... 

Relationships, like many things in life, are not static, they are dynamic. Constantly changing, growing, retracting, blossoming, dying. Have a think about some of the relationships you enjoy with people, be they loved ones, friends, colleagues, or even old mate who regularly makes your Latte at the coffee shop. Think about how all of these things have evolved for good or bad over time and you'll see what I mean. Isn't it absolutely fucking mental (and a touch overwhelming when you take that big-picture perspective on it all)?

Relationships evolve and change as we ourselves do, be it through social, environmental, financial, emotional influences or something more. Life is change, and sometimes, especially when you're being buried by everything that is going on around you, it's overwhelming, exhausting and terrifying, but unfortunately, it is not going to stop.

While there are so many factors at play in all manner of the relationships we have with those around us, some of the most important mechanisms to help you steer through it all are empathy and understanding, listening, objective thought and most important of all, communication.

Now I know I said some incredibly obvious shit right there, but you know I'm right! While these things are blatantly obvious, they are some of the hardest things to hold onto and use when you are being pummeled by everyone and everything around you. We are all like this, even the Dalai Llama will have a bad day and be a little cunty with someone, this is how humans are! Humans are social, logical and emotional creatures who are complex, complicated and a lot of times, conflicting in the way we see and deal with things, and as a result, relationships of every kind are like a beautiful staggering disjointed mess we deal with where it's a clash of thoughts, ideals, beliefs, behaviours, emotions, past traumas, hopes, dreams, baggage and a whole long list of shit. No wonder relationships are so hard right!

Communication is the most simple and effective means of navigating relationships at all levels. So what exactly is communication then? Communication as I am speaking about it here is multi-sided talking AND active listening and no surprises it really isn't that easy at all.

Now if the only way you've ever dealt with me is by reading my blog posts or interacting with me on the Family Style Discord then you're going to assume I'm a sarcastic, wordy prick who won't shut up and loves the sound of his own voice, and you would be partially right there, but in reality, I'm a fantastic listener whose empathy levels are always dialled right up, but I'm shit at trying to communicate my thoughts and emotions verbally and I can become overwhelmed and begin to shut down as a result. If I'm not having a good time then you're probably not going to know unless you pin me down and absolutely drag it out of me but you'd have to find me first as I would have withdrawn to my comfort zone and just blocked everything out. It is a lot easier for me to sit down and write shit than it is to say shit, hell even the written word is something I'll agonise over, but I'm trying man and I have made significant strides forward in improving the way I operate here but it is something I have to constantly work on as it still doesn't feel natural and it also requires me having the right people who will listen and communicate back, the right situations where I can feel safe to communicate effectively and the right emotional headspace (or topic) that I can work my way through and use my big boy words.

It's a very delicate balance and there's lots of stumbling, progress and regression, but as long as I keep at it I know I'm improving and growing. 

So many things in the world would be so much better if we could all speak and listen to each other effectively through a rational and empathic lens. It is something so basic, yet so profound. When we do not communicate effectively then that big old brain of ours starts its mischievous games of making up stories and convincing itself that they're true, then we tell other people in a similar situation these stories and they are more likely to believe them, then throw in emotion over the top and something that could have began simply as a misunderstanding, starts growing and festering and relationships begin to suffer which could, and inevitably does, have further consequences. Messy right!

So, how does one end this word soup of a blog post? By asking you all to give it a try. Talk to your friends, your loved ones, and your colleagues and actively listen to them. It is hard, it can be frustrating and it can be confronting and you and they aren't always going to like what you hear but if you're all honest and open then only good can come from it. That good could possibly be the ending of a relationship and that isn't always a bad thing if approached the right way.

The more you keep at it, the easier it gets and the more likely you are to find your people, those whom you can be vulnerable with and who can also be vulnerable with you with love, trust and acceptance. Sounds fucking beautiful, doesn't it!

Unfortunately, we can't force people to talk to us. I've spent most of my life trying and I'm experiencing this communication issue with some close friends and family members right at this very moment, but if you keep trying and approach the other party with patience, understanding and loving kindness for them as well as yourself, you will get there eventually when the other party is ready.

This sort of stuff isn't going to change the world overnight but never forget that it really is changing the world one mind, one heart and one moment at a time! 

Big love and chat soon! xx  🦘🐨